Conflicts
Thoughtline Hugo A. Roele
Example
A man cooks and has just put pasta in the pan. His girlfriend enters. She experienced something, that she wants to share immediately. He notices, that his thoughts are with the pasta, that will be ready in a few minutes and than should be poured directly.
"Can I first finish dinner?"
"No, I want you to listen to me now."
"But my thoughts are with the pasta."
"I want your thoughts to be with me."
Part of the mens thoughts are with the pasta. He can't turn that off, even if he wants to. Starting the conversation fifteen minutes later would mean, that he can offer more presence to listen.
Instructions
Pause Card
What do you need to listen? Waht doe you need to do something together with your partner or colleague? One of the most important guidelines in the Book of Needs says: 'Listen to yourself, Listen ot others, then Speak". You can only listen, when your own thoughts, feelings, wishes and needs are being sufficiently heard. When that's not the case, you can't listen with the quality, that's needed in many conversations. It even leads to bigger conflicts, because both start to speak and no one listens. When that happens a pause is needed and it helps to postpone the conversation..
1. Explain why
To pause a conversation is often difficult. Especially when thoughts are very much alive, they want to be expressed and heard immediately. On top of that, it's often unpleasant to pause a conversation, when certain things have not been cleared and solved. On top of that, it's unpleasant to pause a converstation, when certain things have not been cleared or solved. Both partners in the conversation want harmony, connection and progress. These (and often other) needs stay unfulfilled when the conversation is postponed. As long as there is a pause, both parties feel the sometimes very unpleasant unrest, that is caused by that.
The example on the right shows, that 'small' things can be disturbing too. The woman thinks, that the man can switch off the thoughts about the paste, because she and her story are more important. The man notices, that (although he tries) he is not able to do that. When two people are in a 'conflict', it's often even more difficult to listen to each other. That's when often only a pause works. To continue talking when no one can 'really' listen, is according to our experience one of the major reasonse why small conflicts turn into big conflicts.
 |
To accept a Pause (and thereby the unrest that comes with it) it helps to hear, see and understand why a pause is needed. The backside of the Pause-Card offers an opportunity to give your conversation partner the clarity about why you need a break. This clarity often makes it easier to accept and endure the unrest that comes with the pause. |
2. Increase certainty by Time / Date
 |
Clarity about the length of the pause is another thing, that helps to accept a pause. An unpleasant period of time is easier to endure, when you know the time, that you can continue talking about the subject at hand and when you can work on 'solution' to an unpleasant situation.. The frontside ofters therefor the possibility to enter a time or date, when the conversation will be continued. |
3. Fulfil your needs
| |
A pause only functions when both partners use the time to ensure, that they can communicate and act effectlvely after the pause. Do you need to walk in nature to ease your feelings and thoughts? Maybe you want something to eat or drink. Would it suport you to get clarity, when a neutral person listens? Or would it help, if you sleep for a short or long period of time? Both parties need to take care, that needs are sufficiently fulfilled and they are enough present to listen to each other. |
Create, Order, Share and Like
The Pause Card is part of Card Set 1, that contains 2 Pause Cards, the YES/NO-Cards, 2 Self-Cards and the Choose-to and Have-to-cards. You can order this set of laminated cards in our webshop. This cards set is also availiable as one of our FREE TOOLS, if you want to create it yourself. When you like this tool, please share it. And if you like our Facebook page, we will keep you informed about new developments, new games, new applications, other languages and updates. Please contact us, if you want to translate this card in another language.